Einstein’s Wife

With a crack of the gavel, the chairman ended the recess and got directly back to business.

“You mean to tell this committee, Mr. Smith, that you DO NOT take responsibility for your actions?”

“Well, your honor,” said Mr. Smith cagily, “If you think about it, this really is Elsa Einstein’s fault.”

“You see, your honor,” he continued, “Albert and Elsa weren’t the happy couple we think they were.”

“Albert was quite the ladies’ man,” he went on, “He had a lot more to offer than just his genius.”

“Everywhere they went, women swarmed him.”

“Elsa, of course noticed this, and tried distracting him by demanding they go on lengthy travels.”

“But Albert hated the constant travel, and insisted they stay home. But he quickly grew bored.”

“Elsa demanded more… “personal attention,” if you will, and her constant needs wore Albert down.”

“One day, after several summons’ in a row, Albert finally reached the end of his physical limits.”

“He locked himself in his office and began calculating a way to get himself back into circulation.”

“The result, as we all know, would change the world beyond anyone’s expectations.”

“Of course, the military saw the significance of his discovery, and immediately put him to work.”

“The military had no idea just how powerful the results would be.”

“The horror was so absolute…

…that fear ushered in a whole new era of militaristic paranoia.

“The industrial complex encouraged an “us vs. them” attitude, and the world was off to the races.”

“One country would show off its soldiers…”

“And another would respond by showing off its tanks.”

“People realized things were getting out of hand, and even started a countdown to Armageddon.”

“Mr. Sprinkles was especially unamused.”

“No matter how much the world tried to resist, some lunatic always pushed them back to the brink.”

The gavel came down again, cutting Smith’s story short.

The chairman leaned forward skeptically.

“Are you honestly trying to tell this committee,” he drawled, “That the reason we are here today…

“…debating whether or not you and your companions…

…broke federal banking regulations…”

“…and illegally manipulated the housing market, resulting in millions of foreclosed homes…”

“… and millions of people forced into abject poverty…”

“… so that you and your Wall Street cronies could literally amass PILES of ill-gotten money…”

“… is all because Albert Einstein’s WIFE was jealous?!?”

“Why,” he continued, “I think that’s about the best excuse I’ve ever heard. Case Dismissed!”