Don’t Tease the Panther

This is the earliest example of what have now come to be known as the “Tweetplays” ¬†This unfinished work began as a satirical take on some of the bad writing found in Glenn Beck’s latest “novel,” The Overton Window. In an advanced review of the “novel,” the website “Media Matters” had posted some hilarious examples of the rather turgid prose within, and I couldn’t resist taking the ball and running with it. ¬†Unfortunately, it appears as if Twitter has lost some of the starting tweets, so this starts more or less in media res.


“I noticed the way the light glistened on her jackboots. Ankles sharp as the corners of a new $20 bill”

“We gazed at each other across the bonfires. Eyes smoldering like the covers of classics burning before us.”

“I approached slowly, mindful of the panther in my pocket, sleek and dangerous.”

“‘Hello’, I said, ‘I’m Glenn’. Her eyes widened and she trembled in the presence of my raw masculinity.”

“‘Hello,’ she said,’I’m Janet.’ I pulled out my wallet, flourishing my wad. Her breasts heaved.”

“‘So,’ I said seductively, ‘I see you, too, despise social justice. Perhaps we should “mingle” our ideas.'”

“We moved past the bonfire to a ‘Whites Only’ cafe around the corner. Her hips swayed like a drunken sailor.”

“I let my masculine hand linger on her womanly haunches as I eased her into the seat. The panther hummed.”

“I ordered for the both of us, as a man should. ‘Sausages for two,’ I instructed the minion dismissively.”

“As we ate, I told her of my genius. How mine was the one true way, blessed by the Christian Capitalist God himself.”

“Her breath came in tiny gasps as she realized the raw masculine truth of my words. The panther purred.”

Sorry folks, someone else is going to have to pick this up. Getting queasy.

~~ THE END (?)