Critical Reception

We’re calling this one:

It was the final night of the Poughkeepsie Film Festival, and the curtains had just closed on the showcase film.

“Mr. Sprinkles Was Not Amused” had been a huge hit with audiences…

…but critical response was divided. Two critics made their way to a nearby pub, to discuss their opinions…

“The editing was a grotesquerie. Whatever standards were set in the cutting room do NOT conform to mine.”

“What’re you talking about? The subliminal messages they spliced in there made the film for me. I counted 34.”

“I simply do not believe we were watching the same film. The editing was sinful. And the compositions? Egregious.”

“I thought it was wicked kewl. That cat was the BOMB, baby! Hey, check out the legs on that chick over there!”

“Wha…? Goodness, those are nice. They look like silk pistons. Quick! Mop up the cheese sauce! She’s coming over!”

“It’s YOUR cheese, goober, YOU clean it up. I’ma work my charms.”

“Excuse me, but aren’t you the critics from the screening? I was wondering if I could join you to discuss the movie?”

“Madame, of course. It will be a pleasure to have you. As I was saying, the film was not a technical success.”

“The film was a COMPLETE success, doofus. Cats, subliminal messages, wicked credits… what more could one want?”

“The credits were a haunting misfortune. From a non-NYU-film-school-graduate POV, however, they could be impressive.”

“Listen to this guy – went to Harvard. Talking about “composition. That motorcycle chase was OFF THE HOOK!”

“What?!? That motorcycle chase was an unwatchable mess! The camera was out of focus for Christ’s sake!”

“That’s what made it so cool, dude – it was like ‘Speed!,’ but with a better soundtrack. Justin Bieber RAWKS!”

“That was another problem. I found the musical arrangements vomitous. Could have used Philip Glass. Or Arcade Fire.”

“But how did you guys feel about the plot, the writing, or the acting? Don’t those factor into your reviews?”

“I didn’t find those to be important qualities of the piece. They will be discussed in an addendum, if at all.”

“What? I said it was cool…”

“But that’s ALL you said. You didn’t describe the movie at all. And neither did you, for that matter…”

“…Both of you got so caught up in your own perceptions, you completely missed the movie itself; what it was about.”

“No offense, sweetie, but I know EXACTLY what it was about. To get back to the discussion: BEST. SILHOUETTE. EVER.”

“Movies are time capsules of people’s lives. They show us how to experience the world. For a couple of critics…”

“… it seems as if you don’t understand that. This is a talk that I will not participate in any longer. Goodbye.”

And with that, she walked away, taking her glorious legs and honeyed voice with her. The two men stared as she left…

…then turned to look at each other. “Butt-head,” said the first. “Dumbass,” said the second. ~~THE END