Blonde Vengeance
The idea for this Tweetplay comes via Twitter from my colleague Kate Bladow (@kbladow) who suggested the topic: “Cinderella vs. Vampires.” I had been thinking about long-form limericks for a while, and figured the format might fit this type of tale, and the result is what you see below. While I never specifically named the heroine “Cinderella,” I hope Kate enjoys it nonetheless.
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There once was a lass of Lough Neagh,
Who danced Belfast docks while at play
She was fair of face
The best in the place
She held all the sailors in sway 
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One day came a ship to the shore
Aboard there were pirates galore
With gruff grunts and”argh’s”
They swung from the spars
And clonked the fair maid with an oar
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And then there was much consternation
The sailors displayed resignation 
Once easily beaten
They skulked like stunned cretins
Not fighters – an impersonation 
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The maid fought like her hair was afire
Smashing noses and arms in her ire 
She beat a man down
Then turned full around
And shrieked at a foul smelly vampire!
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The Pirates were not normal lads
Undead they’d become, which is sad 
For selling their souls
had born heavy tolls
And driven the lot of them mad 
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They carried our lass to the boat
And tied her up next to the goat 
Her bonds they pulled tight
Then fled in the light
And sailed away with a gloat 
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The maiden indeed was quite clever
Determined to escape whenever
She worked at the rope
With vigor and hope
And plotted her vengeful endeavor
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The pirates had foul inclinations
Of rape and vile contamination 
They lusted so surly
And one who was burly
Envisioned an exsanguination 
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Our maiden was free from her bonds!
She braided her hair, oh so blonde 
Stooped and tied up her skirt
Smeared her face with some dirt
For now it was time to abscond 
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She sought for a weapon, a blade
And finally found part of a spade 
She crept soft round the deck
And did carefully check
For a victim to send to the shades 
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A undead fiend did soon accost her
She whacked him like she was a golfer 
He was instantly slay’d
As his head flew away
And the blood it did spray like a shower 
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A general uproar exploded
Morale, for the beasts, soon eroded 
In the midst of the brawl
She brought fate to them all
And before very long they were so dead 
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Exhausted she took hold the ship’s wheel
And turned the boat round on its broad heel 
She aimed it toward home
And sailed through the foam
Excited to survive the ordeal 
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While steering the ship through the narrows
Why, who did she spy but Jack Sparrow? 
He offered some rum
She had herself some
And love struck their hearts like an arrow 
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Today they live in fair Bermuda
Herself, she traps fresh barracuda 
A lovable couple
Still both very supple
At night they read Pablo Neruda 
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A kitten they found, Mr. Sprinkles
When shown to the sea his nose crinkled
Mr. Sprinkles is not amused.
Un-amuse-ed was he
To live close to the sea
For the sand got all up in his wrinkles.
~~ THE END