Blonde Vengeance

The idea for this Tweetplay comes via Twitter from my colleague Kate Bladow (@kbladow) who suggested the topic: “Cinderella vs. Vampires.”   I had been thinking about long-form limericks for a while, and figured the format might fit this type of tale, and the result is what you see below.  While I never specifically named the heroine “Cinderella,” I hope Kate enjoys it nonetheless.


There once was a lass of Lough Neagh,

Who danced Belfast docks while at play















































































She was fair of face

The best in the place

She held all the sailors in sway


One day came a ship to the shore

Aboard there were pirates galore

With gruff grunts and”argh’s”

They swung from the spars

And clonked the fair maid with an oar


And then there was much consternation

The sailors displayed resignation

Once easily beaten

They skulked like stunned cretins

Not fighters – an impersonation


The maid fought like her hair was afire

Smashing noses and arms in her ire

She beat a man down

Then turned full around

And shrieked at a foul smelly vampire!


The Pirates were not normal lads

Undead they’d become, which is sad

For selling their souls

had born heavy tolls

And driven the lot of them mad


They carried our lass to the boat

And tied her up next to the goat

Her bonds they pulled tight

Then fled in the light

And sailed away with a gloat 


The maiden indeed was quite clever

Determined to escape whenever

She worked at the rope

With vigor and hope

And plotted her vengeful endeavor


The pirates had foul inclinations

Of rape and vile contamination

They lusted so surly

And one who was burly

Envisioned an exsanguination


Our maiden was free from her bonds!

She braided her hair, oh so blonde

Stooped and tied up her skirt

Smeared her face with some dirt

For now it was time to abscond


She sought for a weapon, a blade

And finally found part of a spade 

She crept soft round the deck

And did carefully check

For a victim to send to the shades


A undead fiend did soon accost her

She whacked him like she was a golfer

He was instantly slay’d

As his head flew away

And the blood it did spray like a shower


A general uproar exploded

Morale, for the beasts, soon eroded

In the midst of the brawl

She brought fate to them all

And before very long they were so dead


Exhausted she took hold the ship’s wheel

And turned the boat round on its broad heel

She aimed it toward home

And sailed through the foam

Excited to survive the ordeal


While steering the ship through the narrows

Why, who did she spy but Jack Sparrow?

He offered some rum

She had herself some

And love struck their hearts like an arrow


Today they live in fair Bermuda

Herself, she traps fresh barracuda

A lovable couple

Still both very supple

At night they read Pablo Neruda


A kitten they found, Mr. Sprinkles

When shown to the sea his nose crinkled

Mr. Sprinkles is not amused.

Un-amuse-ed was he

To live close to the sea

For the sand got all up in his wrinkles.