It all started when I sued my previous employer for sexual harassment:
The ladies were a bit “grabby.”
While I though I had a strong case, my lawyer was quick to point out how expensive things would get.
Before I knew it, I found myself deep in debt; literally upside down in my mortgage.
I tried to find another job, but the conditions were, shall we say, a little less than ideal.
My problems soon began to pile up. My dentist informed me I needed a root canal.
And I alienated my dog trying to play catch while recovering from the gas.
By the time the collection agency sent two thugs around, I knew I was in trouble.
And, after a disastrous picnic, even my own family began to turn against me.
My wife threw me out of our bedroom.
And the baby? Well… one day I hope that little shit learns some manners.
I tried everything to make a little money. I was fired from a DJ gig for playing too much Numa-Numa.
And as a dancer… Well, let’s just say I didn’t make a whole lot of tips.
I was even a failure at amateur wrestling.
At times it felt as if the whole world was laughing at me.
Even my therapist seemed dismissive.
Things went from bad to worse when my car got stolen.
Deeply depressed, I grew desperate. I took an internship, only to be chased away by a lunatic.
The only option left seemed to be a life of crime.
But even that ended in heartbreak and despair.
As I recovered from my injuries, I had thoughts of ending it all.
It seemed like I could do nothing right. I felt so completely hopeless.
But then, a miracle! A chance to go back and make everything right again!
As I climbed into the time machine, my heart was filled with hope for the first time in months.
Looking back now, I realize I should have asked for more specifics as to our final destination.
Mr. Sprinkles is going to be so disappointed in me.